Us Humans are complicated things
You may have heard of the book ‘Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus’ which attempts to describe some key behavioural differences between men and women. This book is aimed at giving an alternative perspective on each sex so that with greater understanding you can get on better; understanding a little bit of where they might be coming from. This concept of alternative perspective can be used in a wider context and in this blog I will explore some of our behavioural drivers in an attempt to help you get more from your relationships.
What is probably clear to you is that we are not straightforward beings. Whether is it understanding your own reaction to a situation or someone else’s reaction we are often left baffled. Some behaviour we may never understand while others can be clearly traced to a parent or may be a teacher or the class bully or someone else or even an event. While knowing the root of a behaviour may help explain away the reaction it often takes far more to resolve it and prevent it reoccurring in the future.
Quite a lot of our behaviour is driven from a place of fear. It can be fear of someone’s response, or fear of losing something or something else. Sometimes our behaviour is driven from an idea of good intention. Both often get us somewhere we don’t want to be and don’t like being. When we choose to behave in a certain way from fear, we can become unpleasant to be with, miss opportunities, get into trouble or worse
This reminds me of a behaviour I had many years ago and I’m still working on it. Let me take you back to my 20’s. I was at university and myself and some good friends were out for the day. We were somewhere in Norfolk that had a golf course and you could just pay for a round without being a member. Everyone was up for it except me, I didn’t want to play.
I withdrew, refused to take part and trailed around the course with the others like a wet weekend. It was sometime later that I got an understanding on what was going on for me. Instead of approaching it as fun and a laugh, my mind had taken me to “What if I’m no good at this?”, “I am no good at sports. My PE teacher told me. This will be the same”. “I don’t want to fail”. I remember well the feeling of anxiety that I had at the point before making the decision not to play. It was very unpleasant and it didn’t help with my overall mood as I trailed around watching the others. This for me had no good outcome.
Sometimes we decide to act in a way that is mind reading someone; our decision is about how someone else will react to some news (or the truth or similar). Maybe we omit something or tell a white lie. This is done in the guise of protecting the person. Does it really? If you are not acting in spite or maliciously, is the truth really going to be worse than the behaviour that you have chosen in an attempt to protect them? A friend of mine sadly lost her battle with cancer last year. She made the decision not to tell her grown children that she was dying and her wishes were that there was no funeral service held. While these may have truly been her wishes, I cannot help but wonder what was driving that behaviour deep down in her.
We are not mind readers. All too often we act from a place of fear. Wouldn’t it be better to face the fear; often it is never as bad as we imagine; and instead aim for a win for all involved.
Now, I would alter my golfing behaviour to be:
Express that I was fearful of being rubbish (after all they are my friends, they will support me regardless of my golf ability).
Play with an expectation of fun.
Acknowledge and accept how I am feeling and choose to move past it.
Go play golf and (if necessary) laugh at myself.
You never know I might not be as bad as I fear!
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